I Shouldn't Say This But ….

Updated: Aug 28, 2019

This weekend hubby and I had a rare experience ... we had the house to ourselves ... middle daughter was off somewhere hot with a group of girlfriends for the week, youngest ginger one was having sleepover at Nannie’s, eldest daughter was busy with ... well life in general and my 2 step children were not visiting ... and hubby said ... ‘this is what our life could have been life all the time if we hadn’t started all over again’ .. and my immediate reaction was ‘don’t say that! – I love our life and I also thought ‘we shouldn’t be ungrateful ‘…

But then I thought actually you know it’s OK to enjoy this moment ... it’s OK to say I need some us time and then some me time ... and it’s OK to sometimes reflect on a life you used to have or a life you could have had... and it got me thinking about all those things which I just know we all think but we don’t actually say as we think we shouldn’t.

This weekend we were able to pop next door on a Saturday night and enjoy a few drinks, we then were able to enjoy a very long lie in – it was nearly 10 o clock before I got up to let out a very disgruntled dog ... and then was able to bring back coffee to bed... a further lie in , a lovely brunch over the papers rather than an episode of Lion Guard and a pootle of all jobs for the week ahead whilst still in PJ’s without having to play The Gingerbread … again …… ( and I got to write this blog on a Sunday morning uninterrupted).. and of course, I should caveat that I adore our life together now as it is ...but seriously having to re count every roll of the dice and move the gingerbread man because Ginger himself still doesn’t get it that you don’t say 1 until you have moved your piece … finger nail biting!!

We are also living in world where these are very much 1st world problem which leads us to believe we should not speak of such frustrations – it is ungrateful and selfish. but everything in perspective. This is our norm. This is our world and the fact are some things just need getting off your chest!

So, whilst I am on the roll of confession here’s some other things …

1. I never wanted to be a stay at home mum … I worked full time when I had my girls and that is their norm. Picked up after school yb1 or other grandparent and holidays spent there too. This time around I am slightly more hands on with pick up ‘s but Ginger goes to after school club 2 days a week and was in full time pre school prior to starting big school whilst I worked on my business. I did have a choice this time around so no excuses or justifying conversation about my absence can be done. I wanted to run my own business. I don’t believe that they were neglected in anyway and I don’t believe I would have been happy in that role of stay at home mum. Neither is good or bad, but it wasn’t for me.

2. I struggle with love for our dog… yes there it is I have said it. I am fond of Reggie our totally mad sprocker – I am the main carer for him. I am now I would say quite attached and we spend our days mooching around each other… but as a puppy he was near impossible. Even the local dog psychiatrist said he was one of the most manic puppies ever seen. I thought long and hard about re homing him… whilst other dog owners are calling them there Fur Babies (yuk!) and talking of their undying love ( one friend has a tee shirt with her dogs picture on it) I was despairing with the task of looking after a puppy that was on acid with a highly active 3 year old and wishing someone would make the call for me that he needed to go. We have settled into a routine now and when he had a recent health scare I realised I would miss him should he go … but that is after wondering whether it was OK to set up a help group for other people secretly needing support – called ‘I don’t Love My Dog. co.uk ‘

3. Being a step mum is hard ... Again, the stories are of people who have connected with these children, who have wonderful relationships with them, who are their best friends and so blessed. Whilst I again am fond of my step children and have been a main carer for them for nearly 8 years since they were very young ... it is a relationship which is not based on undying affection. They don’t want a relationship with me – this woman they have to visit to see their Dad, they are not overally rude but they are almost indifferent – we could go all weekend now they are older without a word said between us ... every visit feels like just like that a new visit – not two children coming to a place they call home... all the years of being the one who did the arts and crafts and arranged the trips out , thought about what new clothes they needed and presents for birthday and Christmas . None of that has led to that magical close-knit blended family I so naively thought we would be…. It’s hard ... but you keep going because they are the children of the person you love. When that relationship is knocked because they don’t visit when planned it ripples into your world and you feel your partner’s upset and frustration ... but I am an outsider ... that’s the truth we don’t speak of.

4. Living with a husband who is good at everything – it’s bloody annoying! ... I am blessed with a man who is practical and intelligent. I don’t boast – it just is how it I ... he knows not just what the questions mean on University Challenge but also the answers. He re models our home from everything building wise through to making new curtains and he cooks most evenings because he is just better at it than me. I am very well looked after ... but I recently told him that the reason I may leave him if it ever came to it is because – he is so bloody good at everything! … I used to try and compete and keep up (he never stops) but now I am accepting that he is how he is ... but there it is I have said it ... so I apologise if you have a partner who drives you mad through their lack of skills or lack of doing ... but seriously it’s just as annoying the other way around !

So, there you go I got that all off my chest ... those secret things and I know many of you have things that you rant about but feel you shouldn’t say.

It doesn’t mean you are not grateful, it does not mean you are selfish. It means you are human! It’s OK to sometimes think, what if ... it’s Ok to enjoy time for you – it doesn’t mean you don’t love the life you have now if you sometimes reminisce on a life once had ( you aren’t a dreadful parent for enjoying time away from your children and they aren’t scarred for life – in fact I am a firm believer it does them good to build autonomous relationships).

They are as I said all 1st world problems – problems which people in other lives would feel blessed to have ... and I do feel blessed every day – but I also feel, tired, annoyed, frustrated and sometimes just a little bit well screamy as well ...

Let me know what you would love to rant about and get it out there – feels good !! - I am off now to put my feet up and enjoy another cup of tea in my PJ’s before at some point going to pick up my small ginger person and joining the real world all over again 😊 ... cos I haven’t stepped on lego all morning and now I sort of miss that!

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© 2018-19 by Ali Moore (BeMoore) 

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