Updated: Aug 28, 2019
Through ongoing evidence-based study we understand that our sense of value and self is created from a very early age. By those around us we are taught to feel loved and to feel we are worthy of respect … but for some this doesn’t happen … and for others they have experiences which rock that sense of self, so they lose sight of it.
When this happens people can behave in way that doesn’t value themselves and they let others do the same... and that last bit is key.
A question I am often asked by clients is why do people always treat me that way? Or why do I always get involved in relationships which aren’t healthy?
The honest answer is … because you let them and because you choose. Now you might think that’s some touch love and and quite harsh ... but its reality and you will see that it means you also have power and can make changes.
I didn’t say it was your fault ... I simply said because you let them. In your life you may not have been taught how to behave different, you may not be displaying behaviour towards yourself that tells others you are worthy of being treated with respect ... and the same can be said for them.
You might find yourself:
1. Allowing others to disrespect your views.
2. Not listening or backing down from conflict.
3. Saying Yes when you really want to say No!
4. Always in agreement even when it goes against your beliefs or thoughts or wishes.
5. Telling yourself you aren’t good enough or clever enough.
6. ‘Putting Up ‘or ‘Making Excuses’ for other people’s bad behaviour.
You may do this because you can’t see how to change or you really want to belong so anything is better than nothing ... or because someone tells you this is how it is … and all of this may be based on a lack of feeling safe and wondering what will happen if you took a stand .. it’s a tough one.
However, you can decide it will be different! You can make choice ... and once you take that first step to realising this a whole bunch of options open up for you.
1. Think about how you want to be treated – with kindness? listened to? with respect for your views and feelings?
2. What would this look like?
3. Write this all down and then think about how you treat yourself and whether it looks like any of this ...
No ... so there’s the place to start.
Start with yourself, what do you need to change to start creating this world for you?
If you don’t role model it and own your boundaries how can others see how it should be...
Then next steps
1. Look at all the relationships in your life.
2. Which ones feel good – respectful and why? What behaviours do these people display that make it healthy?
3. Who doesn’t come over your bar? Who is not role modelling this?
4. What do you want to change...?
After this you can start to decide on communication. I truly empathise that this can scary – I shied away from difficult conversations for years – and I still feel anxious beforehand ... but I know it will be worth it.
You have to state what is acceptable and communicate and keep to it.
Now a word here – if you don’t feel safe communicating -then speak to someone who can support you. Put a plan in place first. Value yourself enough to make things happen but don’t face them on your own without ensuring you have back up.
Start with small change perhaps ... when you hear yourself say ‘I am not clever enough ‘stop yourself and just remember everything can be tried.
If you don’t want to go somewhere say no – try it out – No is complete sentence.
When you find yourself going to apologise. Think – why am I doing this and is it required?
Overall remember boundaries are yours to decide on – not for others to make for you.
You choose where people sit, you choose how you want to be treated and you make those boundaries as wide or as small as you wish.
As always if you need professional support please do message on email@example.com
Or join one of my free Facebook groups
And for those visual types there are loads of great interviews and videos over on my YouTube Channel - The Reconnection Space.